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In 1990, I made the decision to abort my child. I was a full time college student and employed part time at a veterinary clinic. I knew that I would face extreme sorrow for choosing abortion, and I was very scared and had no idea how my life could proceed with a child. Also, I was holding down animals for X-rays without shielding. Further, I was informed at my campus health clinic that my child was a clump of cells. Little did I know that immediately post abortion, I would want to die because I could not bear my role and responsibility for my child’s death. Money didn’t matter, nothing mattered anymore.

For anyone involved in abortion advocacy or employment, at age 17 and 18 I worked for a humane society that killed dogs and cats. Part of my job was to hold down animals while they received a lethal injection and place the killed animals in a garbage bag, then in a freezer. Though I hated this part of my job and believe that I was horribly traumatized because of it, I became numb through ongoing workplace exposure, until eventually I was fired. I know that many professionals and persons advocating on behalf of abortion are likewise traumatized. Like me, you didn’t realize that abortion would be such a big part of your job or advocacy related to women’s health. You never knew that a child’s heart begins to beat regularly at 22 days of age and that it will continue to beat in utero approximately 54 million times between conception and birth! You were not told that parents who choose abortion often want their children back, become traumatized and want to die.

Our smallest persons, like all periviable persons, young and old, are valuable not for what they can do, but for being persons, and should be protected!

As a registrant with Silent No More, I am one of nearly 22,000 persons who have formally shared his or her abortion regret with the Campaign. We know that traumatic abortion related wounds are so painful and shameful that most parents wounded by abortion traumas will not speak about these roots, nor seek medical, spiritual or psychological treatment. Parents who choose abortion experience crippling shame and real or perceived widespread cultural condemnation that includes: familial shunning, relational/social abandonments, professional rejections & even religious persecution. We believe ourselves unforgivable and not deserving to live because we are responsible for the physical death of our children. Disabling trauma or PTSD is a psychological and spiritual consequence of all killing, even more so devastating when related to one’s own child or children. These spiritual consequences without aggressive spiritual interventions can be irreversible, causing acute, chronic and even fatal injury for both moms and dads of aborted children.

My personal post abortion trauma experiences included intrusive, torturous & unceasing thoughts perpetuated by self-unforgiveness. 50, 100, 300 times per day, I deeply lamented my child’s killing, and in my mind, these and similar thoughts ruminated: “I consented to the killing of my own child,” “I allowed a doctor to kill my child,” “I am a murderer,” “I am unforgivable,” “I may go to hell.” Each thought brought overwhelming guilt, unspeakable shame, clinical depression, inconsolable sorrow and perpetual torment. These thoughts infiltrated & significantly impaired every aspect of my life. I became reliant then addicted to alcohol, illegal drugs, and cigarettes, and then became bulimic and dropped out of college. I quit or was fired from my job. I was self destructive, until becoming pregnant again. I knew that I could not re-choose abortion.

As a parent, and wanting to be responsible, with the help of public assistance, I became a nurse. Inside my heart though, I was still a murderer, and my depressing thoughts were cognitive clinical symptoms that also presented physically with clinical signs. I cried frequently and uncontrollably, feared dying, overworked myself, lost my hair, had heart palpitations and was often in a cold & profuse sweat. I was claustrophobic in even small crowds and continually hypervigilant. I had poor emotional boundaries and attached inappropriately to family, friends and acquaintances. These chronic traumatic symptoms from abortion, also included an inability to share my this testimony with anyone, as I was bound by shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, uncertainty, hatred and death. I knew that my overall health was deteriorating, and I knew why.

My post abortion trauma worsened over nearly 3 decades and the life threatening psychological and spiritual trauma that I experienced became a critically wounding chronic reality; but, in April of 2020, I learned that JESUS forgives all who are sincerely sorry for his or her sins and from that point on, I began to heal! I slowly opened up to expose these abortion wounds to GOD’S MOST COMPASSIONATE LOVE! Today, I believe that long term decisions made with selfless love yield eternal reward and that eternal paradise with JESUS is worth heralding!